You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
