I think scott just propositioned me for sex
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
