I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
