Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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