Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
