How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
