Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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