I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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