Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
