I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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