Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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