I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
