Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
