I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
