My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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