his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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