It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
