You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
