I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
someone owes me an orgasm
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
