i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
