You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone came in the potted fern
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
