I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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