I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
