Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
