just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
