i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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