I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
