Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Randomize
