I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
