A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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