I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
