Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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