don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
