I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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