Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
