and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
