Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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