Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Found your dick twin last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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