I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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