Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
we should paint friendship bongs
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
