All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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