I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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