just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She bit a glass in half.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
