K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
