note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
