i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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