Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
