I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
