i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
