dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sober January is a disaster.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I need to calm my uterus...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
