I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
